Cambodia - Part 12

Wednesday 18th July 2007

Midnight ramblings

It late on a Tuesday night. Or to be more precise Wednesday morning. I can’t sleep. Again. Despite the fact that I am exhausted and there is nothing more I want in the world right now. It has been happening quite regularly of late. My mind just starts racing with thoughts and I can’t relax. It starts off like and drip and then it’s like a flood of thoughts. Crazy and often disjointed thoughts - Thoughts about my friends and family, about my relationships, about people I haven’t seen in years. Thoughts about things I have done in the past, about the people I have met here and the things I have seen, about things that I have said and the things I am going to say, thoughts about my future, my childhood and my dreams. Thoughts and creations; weird day dreams, delusions and thoughts analysing my thoughts. Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts, so many thoughts. Why am I thinking so much? Can’t I stop thinking?

I know I am not the only one – Shin and Lainie have both complained about this too. Occasionally this sort of thing happens at home, but no where near as frequent as it has been happening here. I think it is a side effect of both being isolated and being in a place where I have limited interactions with people and where there is no escape from myself.

I have come to the realisation recently that the hardest part about this whole Cambodia gig is not living in different culture, eating exotic foods, not having hot water, or occasionally electricity, or learning another language. It is not dealing with endemic corruption or even dealing with severe poverty and all the associated problems with that. It is not trying to establish relationships with people who have a completely different outlook to you. It is dealing with your self; dealing with your own thoughts and preoccupations. Where ever you go - there you are.

Outside your comfort zone, away from all the usual distractions and routines, there is one thing left – you. And that becomes very apparent over time.

It isn’t that far to Phnom Penh, 3 hours on a bus, but sometimes even that feels like a lifetime away. Still, even though it has lots of cool western style restaurants with familiar food, friends who speak English as a first language and the hustle of a city – home it is not.

When I have travelled before I have revelled in my ability to rely on myself. To get by in a foreign place where I don’t speak the language and don’t fully understand the customs. It makes you feel independent and gives you faith in you’re ability. It is a great empowering feeling. Especially when you conquer your fears in doing it. I can do anything.

But this feeling is different. After you stop being consumed by the exotic and quirky aspects of a different country or the excitement of living somewhere totally new and different, something else starts to happen.

I have so much time by myself, with myself, in my own head. During the course of a day I am often find myself sitting in meetings not understanding what is going on, or sitting in a crowded restaurant not understanding a word that is being said around me. Sometimes, when Shin is not around, I go days without a normal conversation in English. And my mind starts to drift.

I am away from the comfort of my routine, of my culture, of my friends and family. I am away from the things I use to distract myself – TV, alcohol, music, eating. I am away from the people I talk to about things when I think I think too much. Away from all those things that I have in my life that stop me from facing those big and difficult questions about myself and away from the mechanisms I have incorporated in my life to deal with difficult problems. So I can’t help but wonder. Who am I? What am I about? What do I really value? What do I really believe? What is life all about? And I dissect and re-evaluate. Perhaps a little too much.

Now I often thought it was a bit self indulgent when people go places to try and ‘find themselves’. But I am coming to realise a bit more what people really mean by statements like that. I have moved outside the framework of my normal life in a way and can now look back in on it. I can see things from a new angle, a new perspective. It is all something rather strange and in many ways unexpected. I didn’t expect it to be this intense.

I have my moments where I feel like I am over Asia and I yearn for the simple things of home – pizza on the couch and a DVD or a few beers down the pub with my mates. For a while I thought it was Cambodia. But now I realise that it is more about me. I value the ease and comfort of being able to get takeaway and chill out on the couch watching movies. I value that for many reasons, but perhaps mostly because it is much easier than facing myself; facing my own demons and emotions. Facing those things I keep hidden from view – out the sight of others and out of sight from myself.

It strikes me that people in western culture put a lot of effort into distracting themselves, of avoiding all these tough questions and thoughts. Some people throw themselves into exercise or work – try to exhaust themselves so they don’t have to face them. Some people try to find meaning in religion, history or politics. Some people overindulge or seek pleasure in alcohol or drugs or TV or food or whatever just to avoid it. Some people try to deal with it or distract themselves through a medium like painting or writing. And some people flee from it all and travel. Or, perhaps more likely, everyone does a combination of all the above for a plethora of reasons. But mostly it comes back to the same thing. We find facing ourselves difficult.

But why is it so hard?

I guess that we are all scared. Scared that there might be no meaning, scared that there might be nothing else, scared that we are alone, scared of not being loved, scared of not being understood or accepted, scared that we can’t let ourselves be understood or accepted, scared that we might have got it all wrong, that life is not how we thought it was. Or perhaps this is just my fears.

Either way, without wanting to sound like some new age philosopher, I think it all comes down to love and respect. I think that everyone desires this. Simple. You give it and you receive it.

This is not a new revelation for me. It has been sitting in my mind for a long time. I have always had a strong faith in people and their ability to help each other. I still dream of a fairer more peaceful world where everyone can just get along. I hope I can contribute to this, even in some small way. I hope what I am doing now is a good thing and I hope that it really has some meaning, some impact. But I doubt it. It is but a drop in the ocean. The problems are so big and some convoluted it will take years and years to change. I must accept that I am only one person, and one person can make a difference…

Peace and Love
Erin